A man's secret: When to reveal it, and when it's best not to.
Men's Secrets
Please pay special attention: can you keep a secret? Of course you can, especially your own little secrets. Men are notoriously stingy when it comes to revealing what's on our minds. We can spend hours discussing the latest PS/2 data revision speed; just don't ask us anything truly about "privacy." Keeping certain secrets isn't necessarily a bad thing; we all need to protect our personal privacy. However, sex therapist Matt Crane says that some secrets, especially those related to sex, can damage good relationships. "We live in a world that encourages keeping sexual secrets, and these secrets don't necessarily protect us or make our lives better; on the contrary, they can slow down the progress of good relationships and ruin our sex lives."
Crane is the author of "Your Sexual Secrets: When to Keep It and How to Share It." Men's Health Magazine interviewed Crane about "when to reveal secrets and when it's best not to tell them." The following is a transcript of the interview.
Q: When most of us think of sexual secrets, we think of deceiving our partners and not telling them anything. But from your book, it's clear that your definition of "secret" is broader than most people's.
A: Keeping secrets includes not only deception, but also deliberately withholding or arranging secrets to give people a wrong impression of certain things.
Q: Could you give an example?
A: For example, a man has had a vasectomy and is quite concerned about it. Four years later, he goes on a date with a woman who is very interested in having children, but she won't ask, "Have you had a vasectomy?" --- Most people wouldn't ask this question casually, and he is unlikely to bring it up. Because of his silence, he assumes that she believes he is fertile, when in fact he is not.
Q: I think many people would agree that this is somewhat unethical; but you specifically emphasize in your book that it will harm oneself. What kind of harm will it cause?
A: Sexual secrets and their influence are quite extensive. The desire to keep sexual secrets and a man's constant fear of being discovered, especially when these matters involve his preferred ways of being caressed and his preferred sexual practices, can make sex a dangerous affair. This situation can lead to estrangement from one's partner and feelings of isolation; and the truly tragic thing is that you can never know if you are loved for the "real me." Many men say, "Hmm! She said she loves me, but once she knows the real me, she might not love me anymore." But it's also possible that, regardless of his flaws, this woman still loves him, but unfortunately, he will never have the chance to know the truth.
Q: Is the decision to keep a secret conscious?
A: I think many people don't have complete privacy. They have to explain what they do every day, and they feel constantly monitored. The only place they can feel a breath of fresh air is creating an inner, private world. Most of us feel uncomfortable in intimate relationships and try to maintain distance through sexual secrecy; if you don't want distance from others, whether you like it or not, having sexual secrets will have this consequence. Conversely, if you want that sense of distance, "keeping a secret" is a convenient starting point.
Q: What kinds of secrets do men most often keep?
A: The vast majority of these questions concern the secrets of masturbation experiences. There's a joke among sex therapists: 90% of men have masturbated, and the remaining 10% who haven't are lying. Many people feel that masturbation is either shameful or childish, and they hide it from their partners. But hiding it often leads to guilt or fear of being caught, forcing them to do it secretly. This is a real problem. Again, distance arises, and it's not masturbation itself that creates this distance, but the act of concealment. I'm not asking everyone to run to their wife and confess their masturbation habit, but in many cases, this action has been found to significantly reduce stress for men.
Q: So, should we keep our sexual fantasies a secret, or share them with our partners?
A: Similarly, I want to emphasize again that I don't think everyone should reveal all their sexual fantasies, because that's difficult. But if you can admit to your spouse that the subject of your sexual fantasies is another woman, you'll find yourself much more relieved! I think everyone will pretend they never have other women as objects of sexual fantasy, which is obviously a lie.
Q: So, regardless of the circumstances, once you start having problems, you have to be honest with yourself, right?
A: Most people, after doing something secret, tend to pretend it never happened, which is actually a form of self-denial. For example, suppose you're attracted to someone and decide not to tell your partner; even if you do this to make her feel better and to ease your own mind, that's fine. But if you deceive yourself by saying "it didn't happen," that's not so good.
Q: Why do we want to deny our sexual desires?
A: When we were young, we were taught that sexual desire was a bad thing: touching our bodies in public would get us slapped; saying "dirty" words would require us to wash our mouths with soap; we would feel uncomfortable if our parents washed our genitals while bathing us; and we would be punished if we played doctor with the girl next door. These early teachings taught us that we had to deny and hide our sexual desires in order to gain approval and avoid punishment.
Q: Why is there such a series of dangers regarding sexual desire?
A: There has always been a consensus in American culture to resist sexual desire; it's a culture that questions the value of pleasure. We believe that the human body is fundamentally impure, and that sexual energy is dangerous and needs to be regulated. Compared to most other things, we have far more regulations regarding "what is right and what is wrong" when it comes to sex.
Q: Is it really that bad to make your partner please you?
A: Many people feel that their preferred sexual practices are unconventional. They fear that their demands in bed are too unusual, and their partners will not only refuse them outright but also find them repulsive. But they forget the key point: "The woman you're having sex with loves you deeply; she wants you to be happy and wants to know how."
Q: From your description, it seems there's no need for those fears. Is it really true that there aren't any requirements that might scare a loved one away?
A: Maybe! But even the most ordinary sexual desires are something we're ashamed to voice, mainly because of a lack of confidence. I know that when I go to a restaurant, I don't have to worry about my wife protesting, "Get out of here!" after I order squid. Maybe she'll just say, "I can't believe you dare eat squid! I'll never eat it, but if you want, go ahead!" Usually, we don't worry about whether what we eat is conventional, partly because we can clearly see everyone around us eating. Similarly, if we could perceive other people's sexual fantasies and hear the sounds of others making love, then we wouldn't be foolish enough to keep those trivial yet guilt-ridden sexual secrets to ourselves.
Q: I think those X-rated videos are unlikely to help us understand how other people have sex!
A: Yes, when watching Wimbledon on TV, we don't expect to play tennis as well as Bobby Becker. But strangely, when watching adult films, most people wish they had those amazing skills. However, we often overlook the fact that most of these amazing skills are actually created through editing.
Q: Besides these, what other common secrets are there?
A: Many men try their best to deny and hide their anxiety during sex. We all know that if we're willing to talk about what we're anxious about, the unease will lessen, and what we worry about and imagine is often much more serious than the reality. For example, if a man has experienced wanting to have sex but being unable to get an erection, the next time he wants to have sex, he'll naturally be afraid that he won't be able to get an erection again. Actually, not being able to get an erection isn't a serious matter, but if he's too concerned about it, the following things will happen. First, he'll have even more difficulty getting an erection; second, he won't be able to deal with what might happen next. For example, if he's truly suffering because he can't get an erection and thinks he's a bad partner, not a real man, he won't easily joke, "Ugh! This is terrible! I wonder what else we can do?"
Q: How do women usually feel about men's inability to achieve an erection during sex?
A: Over the years I have spoken with thousands of women, and almost every one of them said the same thing: “I don’t care that he can’t get an erection. What I care about most is that when he can’t get an erection, he immediately turns his back to me.”
Q: So the ideal solution is for the man to start speaking?
A: He could say, “Look! I can’t go to work tonight! Is that okay? Would you like to talk?” Or he could say, “I really want to have sex with you, but I’m under so much stress that I’m not sure if I can get an erection. I’m thinking maybe we should do something that doesn’t involve intercourse.” In this way, he normalizes the situation and gives his partner a chance to say “It’s okay.”
Q: Won't bringing up sensitive topics make things worse? How do you know if it's worth it?
A: I can't give you an absolute guarantee regarding your question. We all want to know if our spouse will do B if we do A. Unfortunately, we don't know. Besides, I don't think conflict is inherently bad. Conflict is inevitable in any close relationship; the question should be: are we creating destructive conflicts or conflicts that benefit the relationship?
Q: Why do we expect to have absolutely no conflict with our spouses?
A: Everyone believes that conflict can damage love, and it's hard to understand that we can be angry with someone while still loving them. So when sharing secrets, we need to constantly remind the other person why we're telling them, such as "I'm telling you this because it's driving me crazy" or "I've noticed my libido has decreased, and I'm avoiding sex with you. I'll never do that again."
Q: Which secrets are best kept? Please give us an example.
A: It's best not to discuss extramarital affairs. If the affair has ended and there's no benefit in revealing it, I think it's best to keep it a secret. Furthermore, it's not only despicable but also quite damaging for a man to constantly have sexual fantasies about his wife's best friend. Constantly comparing your wife to ex-girlfriends is extremely undesirable. Therefore, before revealing any secrets, a man should seriously consider his motives and purpose: is he trying to manipulate, control, or hurt his partner? Or is he genuinely trying to get closer to her? If the intentions are malicious, then sharing will bring no benefit whatsoever, and even feigning honesty will cause harm. We all know our partner's weaknesses, so the principle for dealing with them is: whenever these weaknesses are touched upon, treat them gently.